How To Dump The Boyfriend

Now I have been seeing a guy for about the last 8 months. Why have I not told you this before? Because really, I have not been considering him to be a "boyfriend". More precisely, I have been considering him to be kind of a "pain in the ass".

When I first met him last summer, I did actually kind of find him fairly attractive and interesting. After a few times of meeting him, I found him to be a bit of a "bullshitter". By that I mean that he was plainly telling me "porkie pies" (lies) in order to impress me.

On top of that, he was also vaguely insulting. So I went off him.

I swear, as soon as he realized I had gone "off" him, he tried everything to get me back "on" him.

Ah, such are the ways of man.

He even brought me 3 kilos of self-raising flour at Christmas. He knew that self-raising flour was the way to my heart.

And he was right. My heart melted and I continued seeing him.

Until the next "bullshitting" and "porkie pie" phase.

And then he won the way to my heart again. Last weekend, he took me to France for a slap-up meal.

Of course, he slipped in the "bullshitting" and "vague insults" again. For example, he made a jolly good joke that he was going to tell all his mates that he had spent Saturday in France with a "dolly bird".

In case you hadn't realized, that was me.

I glossed over that, as I was trying to remain adult, and agreed to meet him again on Sunday, when once again, we deported to France, where we ate a menu of Escargots, Paté de Fois Gras, and several other French delights.

This time I paid.

As the "bullshitting" and "vague insults" were on the increase, I found an excuse to leave early and (as I was driving) took him home as soon as possible.

Barely had we arrived in the neighborhood, when he once again released the identical "dolly bird" comment of the day before.

By this time, I was kind of bursting. I am guessing, if you are a regular reader of this blog, you will realize that I have little patience for this kind of thing.

In the meantime, we have exchanged various e-mails in which I have given him the boot and he has tried to give the boot back.

The question is, how can I dump the boyfriend (who has never really been one) and still retain all my pride?