Queen Scenes (Number Four)

Scene: Buckingham Palace, The Queen’s Sitting Room, Friday afternoon. The Queen and Prince Philip are perusing the newspapers while taking tea and some pastries.

Queen: I say, Philip, this is all simply too ghastly for words.

Philip: I’ll say it is. I distinctly remember ordering a mille-feuille and we’ve ended up with caramel éclairs! And to top it all, the cream seems to have gorne orf in the heat.

Queen: One was referring to this octopus which seems to be predicting the results of all the football matches.

Philip: Absolute poppycock!

Queen: Apart from having nine brains apparently, he does have a 100% success rate.

Philip: Well, why don’t you put in a bid for him and try out one or two of his brains at Ascot? I wouldn’t mind being ahead of the bookies for once! And if he doesn’t come up trumps we can have a decent paella.

Queen: The Guardian says he’s received a number of death threats and the Spanish Prime Minister himself is quoted as wanting to send him bodyguards! And the Mirror maintains that the Germans are singing anti-octopus songs.

Philip: Well, as long as they’re only anti-octopus, the rest of us will be all right, I suppose.

Queen: Really, one is beginning to feel that certain heads of state are more concerned about these football matches during the past few weeks than matters of national and international importance.

Philip: My sentiments exactly! I’ll be delighted once it’s all over and you finally return to your usual topics of conversation!

The Morning After The Onslaught Of The Spanish Armada

After the Germany/Spain game, I stayed overnight in Mannheim with two good friends. After a long post-mortem discussion in which the game, Germany, and the rest of Europe were dissected and reassembled in better shape by 1 in the morning, I fell asleep and only rose at 8 o'clock after both my friends had left for work.

It is always a little difficult staying in someone else's flat, especially when they are not in it. First I stubbed my toe getting into the shower, which led to a certain amount of blood and cursing. In my efforts to find a plaster, I must have searched through 14 different drawers and 8 cupboards.

They had kindly made me a pot of coffee, which I drink while smoking a cigarette. I had been told I might smoke, but I couldn't find an ashtray and really didn't want to search through another 28 cupbaords till I found one, so I smoked it at an open window. While I tipped the ash into the large ashtray of the environment, it didn't look as if I could do the same with the cigarette stub, so I investigated which bin would be suitable. However, my friends apparently do not just separate bio-waste from recyclable waste, but also paper from plastic. There were so many different bins that I gave up and finally wrapped the cigarette stub in a piece of tissue which I took with me when I left.

I had a similar dilemma with my coffee cup. I would have preferred to wash it but the dishwasher was obviously the cup's target location - however, everyone has their own dishwasher system, and this one was no exception. It took me several minutes to work it out.

I was confronted with the final problem when I came to leave the flat. Armed with the two pillows and duvet I had brought with me, plus my overnight bag and my handbag, I found that it wasn't possible to close the front door - something in the lock was jamming, and it wasn't one of my pillows.

I despaired. Was I going to have to stay here for ever, or at least until they came home?
Fortunately we live in the age of technology, as I have mentioned before. I came back into the flat, located the phone and called up the phone book, which behold, contained my friend's phone number at work. And fortunately he was at his desk and was able to instruct me in the trick of How To Close The Door.

Ah, and then finally I was able to drive to the office and weep on the shoulders of fellows and colleagues likewise in mourning from the onslaught of the Spanish Armada. Today we lament, tomorrow we work again.

Uruguay, Paraguay And All The -Guys

I hardly dare write it. Our Adler, our Deutsche Elf, Jogi's Boys, have lost to the mighty Spanish Armada of a football team in the semi-finals of the World Cup. The spirit in Germany today is crestfallen.

Never mind that it was *only* one goal. Never mind that our best young shooter, Thomas Müller, was missing. Never mind that our young Turkish hope, Özil, was fouled as he stood before the Spanish goal about to knock one in and the foul was not granted. The hopes and expectations for the young German team had gained increasing momentum, soaring steadily with each of their extraordinary victories, to the point where everyone had started to believe that they really had seemed to become invincible.

But our modest lads, not one of them a prima donna or an idol, played as if they were actually scared of the Spanish team. The tackling of opponents in possession of the ball, so prevalent in previous games, was almost completely absent here. Fans gasped in astonishment and shock as the boys failed time and again, at least in the first half, to make a clean pass. The Spanish were everywhere, strategically located throughout as if they were pieces on a chess board placed by a grandmaster, completely in charge of the game, and it seemed only a matter of time before the inevitable defeat arrived.

As for us, our little group once again rejoined to the Turkish pub with the large screen, whose staff this time provided us with small free snacks (and about time!). The mood - waiting for the end - was so despondent that I actually went out for a 20-minute walk rather than continue to watch the humiliation.

Sad as it all is, I am sure that the boys will win on Saturday, in the match for the third place. Germany should be terribly proud of what they have achieved. They are world-class, they deserve it and I don't care what that psychic octopus says.

Queen Scenes (Number Three)

(Scene: Buckingham Palace, Wednesday early evening. The Queen is writing in her diary when she finds that she is having problems with her fountain pen. Enter The Queen into sitting-room, where Philip is studying the sports pages of The Daily Telegraph).

Queen: I say Philip, the nib of this Conway Stewart is playing up. I’ve got an ink blot to rival Winnie Churchill’s on his Harrow Latin paper in the middle of today’s diary entry.

Philip: Can’t help you old girl, don’t know a bean about pens. Knew a chap once who did. Always had a Bic or two about his person. Swore by them.

Queen: One can’t use a Bic. These are the Royal Diaries! Can’t someone nip down to Fortnum’s – where’s Harry?

Philip: Harry? Good Lord, Harry doesn’t know what a §$%&/ pen is! He’s got 3 mobile telephones and one of those gadgets he sticks in his ear! And I don’t think he could find Fortnum’s without a radar and a helicopter!

Queen: Yes but he is good at standing in queues in shops. His mother used to take him to those Scottish chip parlours all the time, if one believes everything one is obliged to read.

Philip: I assume you’re talking about McDonalds. Listen, if one is not going to be allowed to read the sports pages in peace, then give me the wretched pen and I’ll find someone to sort it out. The Prime Minister barely has anything to do, from what I can make out from this newspaper!

Queen: Well that is awfully good of you Philip. If one doesn’t write today’s entry by this evening one will be getting behind and that won’t do.

Philip: And may I recommend an Internet blog in future! All this pen nonsense is becoming a bore. Not to mention the ink – as I remember the last delivery was the wrong colour! You really ought to have a look on Google – or ask Harry!

Dynamic Times

It is incredible! Germany has beaten Argentina 4-0 and is now in the semi-final!!!

Once again I met with the same group of friends as last week in the same pub - this time there were many more German supporters.

Germany scored the first goal in the first 4 minutes! and the rest of the first-half was a real nail-biting situation! We were all convinced that Argentina was still going to win.

In fact, I'm sure that my blood pressure was off the scale. Even though I was really happy that Germany had got so far, and I'd said I wasn't bothered if they didn't get into the semi-final, once the game was on and we were all so excited, I just didn't want Germany to lose now - I want this wonderful feeling that we're experiencing here to continue.

However, about 20 minutes into the second-half Germany shot another 2 goals in quick succession and it was clear that Argentina had no more chance. Angela Merkel was there and she was jumping up at every goal (she's a big fan). Our group - in fact the whole pub by the end - was clapping and cheering every good move.

And then Germany went and shot a 4th goal. It was incredible!!! Everybody was hugging each other and cheering.

And of course in our little town the atmosphere is once again electric. Just like after the game that put Germany into the Last 16. But it seems there's no stopping them now. They really are a great team. And they really deserve to win.

Thrillsville, Arizona

When I was a teenager in the 1970's, life was so different from how it is now it is often hard for me to remember how much simpler, slower and yet in many ways more difficult things were.

Everything we take for granted these days - Internet, mobile phones, instant communication, instant answers, fast(er) decisions, (slightly) more spontaneity because many people can be more flexible - was unimaginable back then.

If you were out and missed your favorite program on TV, well - it was gone forever. You had no chance of taping it in advance - while video players might have existed in the USA, they weren't really on the popular market in England until the early 1980's.

It is incredible to imagine that I sometimes now call up the programs I missed seeing back then on YouTube now - nearly 40 years later, in some cases.

Nowadays if I miss something on TV, I can usually call at least a clip of it up on YouTube within a few hours. And I can watch programs I like on my PC or on DVDs again and again. Back then, you would never have dreamed of watching anything twice. Once it had been aired, it was old hat.

Instant chatting, texting, skyping - being able (in theory) to call anyone, anywhere at any time - never mind the 1970's, this was unthinkable even in the mid-1990's.

And where has it brought us? While some people might not be in favor of the concepts of instant availability and instant gratification, I think it has brought us a much better quality of life. Why hang around waiting when you can get so much done. Why waste time when you can be using it. Why live in ignorance when you can google any subject that you have always wanted to know the answer to and find it almost instantly?

In order to adapt to the changed world, even language has changed so much. Apart from the wealth of interesting terms you can find on the Urban Dictionary, for example, just about everyone's vocabulary includes "new" words and phrases that would not only have been incomprehensible in the 1970's, but also impossible to explain.

We used to have interesting expressions back then, too - but they have sadly fallen into disuse. "Now we're talking turkey" which today translates into, for example, "That's what I'm talking about"; "It pays the bills" has become "It pays the taxes"; "I'm going to go down the shops" could easily mean today "I need some retail therapy" and "For Pete's sake" has become something else altogether.

Not forgetting, of course the ever wonderful "Thrillsville, Arizona".