Britain's Got Talent And The Queen

Now "Britain's Got Talent" has got me hooked. I don't know why all those TV moguls and the like are complaining that "the pond has been fished dry" and "Britain's got no more talent" - I was addicted to that show this year like no other.

In particular, I am fascinated by the dialects (please see previous post about modern linguistics in Britain) and the popular phrases of your average British person today, as presented by "Britain's Got Talent" (sorry, "Bri'ain's Go Talen"), which is rife with intergalactic... sorry, intervocalic Ts (those are the ones that are now missing in the middle of words) and marked by a complete lack of Hs.

The point of "Bri'ain's Go Talen", as stated again and again and again in this program, is to find an act that is fit to appear before The Queen at the Royal Variety Performance, sorry that's the Royal Varie'y Performance. This will be the act that wins "Bri'ain's Go Talen", which incidentally also wins 100,000 of your best British (Bri'ish) sterling quids.

All the acts are asked (many, many times) what it would mean to win "Bri'ain's Go Talen" and they all reply without fail that it would be a dream come true to perform in front of royalty and there could be no higher honor.

I am almost sure there could be; but the thing is, noone ever mentions the money.

The other point of "Bri'ain's Go Talen", which was invented by Simon Cowell, is to find an act that Simon Cowell will sign up and make money out of, and of course the act will make money too. That's why the acts only ever care about what Judge Simon says, the other judges can tell them till they're blue in the face that they're "aMAZing" but if Simon says they're rubbish, there are often quite a few tears.

Ant and Dec are the names of the presenters, two nice young lads from Newcastle, very heavy on the intervocalic Ts, so it took me a long time to understand a word they were saying. They have to say the words "Royal Varie'y" about one hundred times every show, and they also have to mention the "Royal Varie'y Chari'y" a few times every show as well. They both seem to have a problem saying the "Royal Varie'y Chari'y", and I really think it would be easier for them to say the "Royal Variety Charity", but I don't think anyone has suggested it to them yet.

Apart from the "Royal Varie'y", there is one other word that you hear on this program so often you think that it might actually disappear from the language soon due to having been used too much. Everything is always "aMAZing". That's the response of each act after competing in the semifinals, at least. And also the response of each act that gets through to the semifinals of course. It was aMAZing and it would be such an honor to perform at the Royal Varie'y, it would bring me one step closer to my DREAM.

And what is The Queen herself thinking about all this is what I would like to know. Well the way I see it, there are two possible scenarios: either 1) The Queen is a total "Bri'ain's Go Talen" addict like myself, and has seen every single act 15 times already (she can call them all up on YouTube after the show) or 2) she is absolutely fed up with the whole thing and dreads having to go to the "Royal Varie'y".

In fact many of the people calling in to vote might be Queen-related or The Queen herself on several of her different phones.

Scene: Buckingham Palace, The Queen's Sitting Room, Saturday Night. The Queen is zapping through channels and hits the jackpot.

Queen: Philip! Get in here. That talent audition programme is on. Come on, you have to see what dreadful stuff they will be subjecting us to at that theatre performance. And bring your phone with you!

Philip: I'm §$%&/ damned if I will! It's bad enough having to be force-fed that turdwallop on the night, never mind having to sit through 75 hours of it before the §$%&/ event!

Queen: Those two young chaps look awfully pleasant but I do wish this programme would provide subtitles.