The Big Fat Hen

Another excerpt from my unpublished novel Lizzie Goes To Japan

It was nearly four o'clock when Lizzie arrived back at the hotel from Asakusa.  Maybe Colin had called already, she thought.  She went to the Front Desk and asked, ‘Do you have any messages for me?’

The attendant said, 'Yes, Miss Chichele, we have one message for you.  Voice mail.  Would you like to hear it?'

'Yes,' said Lizzie.  'Yes please.'

It would be Colin.  He would be saying, Sorry, I can't come.

The attendant handed her the telephone receiver and pressed a button, then another button.  Lizzie listened.  It was Colin.  He said, 'Hi Lizzie, this is Colin.  I have to go into the office this afternoon, I have to collect a PC that I need for working at home.  I will only be about an hour.  So I will be coming through Takeshiba.  I can meet you somewhere.  I will call again later.'

The relief flooded through her.  She said, Thank you.  She found her key card in her purse and went to the lifts.

In her room, voice mail was flashing orange on the telephone.  It was Colin again, the same message. The orange light was still flashing as she was trying to delete the message when the telephone rang.

'Hello?' Lizzie said.

'Hi Lizzie,' Colin said.

'Oh hello,' said Lizzie.

'Did you get my message?' Colin asked.  There was quite a bit of background noise.  Sounded a lot like it could be Shimbashi Station.

'Yes,' said Lizzie.  She was breathless.  She thought, He is going to tell me now that he cannot come.

'I'm on my way to the office,' said Colin.  'I have to pick up this PC.  On the way back, I could come and pick you up.'

'Oh,' said Lizzie.  The relief hit her like a pain.  'Thing is, I have to go into the office too.  I have to drop something off.'

'Oh, right,' said Colin.  'Well tell you what, why don't I meet you at Takeshiba? At the station? I'll just get off the train and you hang around there and I'll pick you up.  Then we can go in together.'

'Oh great,' said Lizzie.

'Right then,' said Colin.  'I'll be there in about a quarter of an hour.'

She had to go to the toilet.  And she had to get rid of the stuff she had bought.  She had to pack the Jack Daniels, her present for the guys in the office, had to find it first.  Then she had to put on some makeup.  She would need her Sydney Opera House sweatshirt.  It could be cold in the evenings.  Lizzie panicked around the room for five minutes, then ran out to the Yuri Kamome.  300 Yen.  Come on, come on.  The next train in would be it.

She ran up to the platform.  The Yuri Kamome was just pulling in.  One tall man got off.  He stepped off the train, swung around on his heels and looked up and down the platform.  He was wearing a suit and shirt.  His hands were stuck in his pockets.  Lizzie thought, he looks just like the ex-RAF pilot that he is.  She called, 'Colin!' and ran, so that they could both get back on the train before the doors closed.

He smiled down at her, said, 'Hi, how are you feeling today?'

'OK,' said Lizzie.  'I was at a street festival.'

'Oh really,' said Colin.  'Enjoy it?'

'It was very interesting,' Lizzie said.

They had seats on the train, which was a novelty.  Colin explained to Lizzie how all of the Ariake areale that they were passing through had been built for an exhibition of buildings, but then the money had run out.  That was why there were such strange buildings around here, and only half of them were actually finished.  He said that all this land was actually reclaimed land, that the Japanese had extended their land mass by dumping concrete into the sea, into Tokyo Bay here.  When the earthquake came, this lot would be the first to go.

'It's a couple of years overdue,' Colin said.

When they got to the office at TIME 38, they had to press a button at the door to call the security guard, it being Saturday, and Colin said, 'Hai, CPB Japan noh MacArthur desu.'

Lizzie was terribly impressed. She would not have known what to say at all by herself.

When they got up to the eighth floor, Colin said, ‘I’m going to make some coffee.  Let's go and have a smoke.’  He made coffee in the awful coffee room with the windows stained from nicotine and the ashtrays full of water. But Lizzie felt so happy that she sat down at the ash-filled table and smoked a cigarette.

In the office, she put the bottle of Jack Daniels on Shinoda-san's desk with a note: This is for the three of you.  I am sorry I only have one bottle. It looked a bit sad there by itself.  On the other hand, it had cost over forty deutschmarks so she was not exactly being a cheapskate.  She had just not realized it would have been better to have bought lots of small, inexpensive presents, the 'omiageos', as the Japanese called them, rather than one big expensive one.  Also, she had not had the faintest idea who she was supposed to be buying presents for.

Colin was sitting in the next maze.  It was funny that she had barely noticed him there all week.  Especially as he had been sitting right next to Richard.  Anyway, now he was working so Lizzie did not really know what to do.  She had thought they would be leaving straight away.

Eventually, Colin came over and said, 'OK, I'm ready now.'  He had a carry-on on wheels with the PC inside it.  'This is very useful, this bag,' he said.  'You can use it for luggage, shopping or transporting PC's.'

They left, with Colin pulling the carry-on behind him. 'So, where would you like to go tonight?’ he asked. ‘Roppongi?'

Lizzie did not know much about Roppongi, but she did know that it was the tourist area, and she knew that it was expensive, but most of all she knew that it was full of bars and nightclubs and particularly that it was the red-light district.  She felt scared just at the mention of it.  She did not think she was ready to cope with that just yet.

'I am sorry,' she said.  ‘I don't think I'll make it to Roppongi tonight.  Do you mind awfully if we just go to a restaurant in the hotel complex again?'

'Not at all,' Colin said.  'I really don't mind.'

They took the elevator up to the Monorail.  Colin pressed the buttons, which was good, because Lizzie would not have known which buttons to press, none of them being marked in a language which she could even begin to read.

A woman's soft voice filled the elevator and told them something.

'One thing I can't stand,' Colin said.  'Is talking elevators.  Telling you you’re going up when you have pressed Up.'

'By the way,' he said on the platform.  'Have you been hearing the bird sounds in the stations, but not seeing any birds?'

'Yes,' said Lizzie.  'I kept wondering about that.'

'Recorded bird sounds,' Colin explained.  'It's all tape.  I think that was an ostrich just then.'

The Yuri Kamome was almost empty.  They sat facing each other, with the carry-on in the middle.  'I shall be glad when I can get out of Tokyo,' Colin said.  'Just to get a decent sized apartment.  See all these apartment blocks here?' He waved his hand over Funeno-kagakukan outside the window.  'That's like where I live.'

'Well, so how big is your apartment then?' Lizzie asked.  She had never been in a Japanese apartment, had never thought about it, although Richard had said that in Shinoda-san's apartment, everything was on the floor.  No furniture.  And you could not actually get in to it until he had cleared a few things away from the entrance.

Colin smiled and looked down towards the end of the compartment.  'Well, it's about from here down to there,' he said.  'And almost as wide as this train.  Twice.'

Lizzie turned and looked.  He couldn't mean down to the end of the compartment.  That wasn't even five meters.  And surely the Yuri Kamome wasn't even three meters wide.  That wouldn't even make thirty square meters.  She peered through the window at the end of the compartment and into the next compartment.

'Oh, you mean down to the end of the next compartment,' she laughed.  'I thought you meant this one.'

'I do,' said Colin.  'About down to the end of this compartment and about as wide as this train.  Twice.  Two rooms.'

'But that's mini,' said Lizzie.  She could not believe it.  She stared back and forth at the distance.  'Where's the bathroom and the kitchen?'

'Well that's sort of at one end of each room,' said Colin.  'Sort of, here.  This bit.'

'For two people?' said Lizzie.

'Two people and a cat,' said Colin.  'I always say, there's no room to swing a cat in it and I should know, I've tried.  It's my wife's cat.  I've tried swinging it, doing everything to it, but it's no good.  Cat's still there.  However,' he brightened up.  'The cat does serve a purpose.'

'What's that?' asked Lizzie.  She could not wait to hear it.

'Well,' Colin said.   'Thing is, I'm ensured for two million US dollars.  One day, I realized my wife was only insured for two hundred thousand.  Cat's insured too of course.  Anyway, then I started getting worried.  So everything she cooked for me, I gave a bit to the cat first.  If the cat didn't drop down dead, I ate it.'  He stared at Lizzie.  He was perfectly serious.

For the first time, Lizzie was worried.  She thought, perhaps he went through a phase.  I am sure he is OK now.  Otherwise I think I will not be going for a meal with him even to the hotel, never mind to Roppongi.

She said, 'Er.  But you don't do that any more, do you?'

'Oh no,' Colin said.

Good, thought Lizzie.  Well, that's a relief then.

'Well my wife doesn't cook for me any more,' Colin said.  'So I don't need to.'

'Oh,' said Lizzie.  Perhaps he is joking.  I just cannot tell with him.  It is the first really weird thing he has said anyway.  It bothered her slightly that the implication was that his wife had done all the cooking.  But that was a fairly minor complication in comparison with the cat story.  I must put it out of my mind, she thought.  I mean, I must not convince myself that he is a sexist madman.  Get a grip on yourself.  So she said, 'Mm.  Are apartments expensive here?'

'Well for this rabbit hutch,' said Colin, 'I pay fifteen hundred US dollars a month.  That's with the carport.  The carport costs two hundred US dollars.'

'Right,' Lizzie said.  Not that she understood either dollars or Yen. 'I guess that's quite expensive then.'

'It's pretty steep,' Colin said. 

They arrived in Takeshiba and made their way to the hotel lobby, Colin still dragging his carry-on with the PC.

'So,' Colin said.  'I could leave this PC here at the Front Desk while we go out.'

'Yes,' said Lizzie.  'I could sign for it or something.'

'Right,' said Colin.  'Or I could leave it in your room.'

'Right,' Lizzie said.  'In my room.'

That involved going up to her room.  They stared at each other for a moment, then Colin said, 'I would actually prefer to leave it in your room.  It is less complicated,' and Lizzie said, ‘Well, my room is fine’.

He was silent in the lift.  Well, at least I don't have to worry about my room being tidy, Lizzie thought.  Once there, she had to use the bathroom immediately, and when she came out, Colin was sitting at one of the chairs by the desk.  He had already lit a cigarette and made himself comfortable.  He said, Your voice mail is flashing.

You just could not ignore the orange lights on the two phones, one on the desk and one by the bed.  Lizzie said, Oh, maybe the children called.

She pressed Voice Mail on the multi-role phone on the desk.  It had worked before.  This time it didn't.  She got the Front Desk.  'Yes Ma'am,' said the attendant.  'How can I help you?'

'Oh, this is Lizzie Chichele-Kortmann, in Room 702?  I'd like to hear my Voice mail.'

'Certainly Ma'am.'

Colin's voice said, 'Hi Lizzie, this is Colin.  I have to go into the office this afternoon, I have to collect a PC that I need for working at home.  I will only be about an hour.  So I will be coming through Takeshiba.  I can meet you somewhere.  I will call again later.'

'Oh,' she said.  'It's your message.'

'Mm,' said Colin.  He was lounging back, watching her, taking long slow drags of his cigarette.  He seemed parked for the duration.

Lizzie said, 'Well, I'll try and delete it.'  She pressed Voice Mail and 2 to delete the message.  She put the phone down and the orange light went off.  'Good,' she said.

Colin gestured with his cigarette to the other phone.  'It's flashing over there now.'

'Oh,' said Lizzie.  'So it is.'  She went over to the other phone and pressed Voice Mail and 2.  A voice said,  'Yes Ma'am.  How can I help you?'

'Oh, hello,' said Lizzie.  'Is that the Front Desk?  This is Lizzie Kortmann, in Room 702?  I was just trying to delete my voice mail.'

'Certainly Ma'am.'

The phone stopped flashing and Lizzie said, 'Well, that's that then.'

'It's flashing over here now,' said Colin.  He lit another cigarette.

This country drives me crazy, Lizzie thought.  She pressed Front Desk on the desk phone and said, 'Hello, this is Lizzie Kortmann in Room 702?  I just wanted to delete my voice mail.'

'Certainly Ma'am.'

Now this phone stopped flashing and Colin said, 'Give up.  The other phone's flashing again.'  He was almost chortling now.

'Yes,' said Lizzie.  Both lights were on again now.  She sat down between the flashing phones and looked up at him, smiling.  Colin fixed her eyes and said slowly, 'I see myself reflected in everything you do.'

Lizzie stared at him.

He stared back at her.  He took another long slow drag of his cigarette.  Lizzie thought, Er.  She looked down and said, 'Um.  Would you like some tea?'

Colin continued to stare.  He said, 'Tea?  No, I don't think so.  Actually, I would very much like a beer.'

Lizzie jumped up. 'Oh, I am so sorry.  We'd better get to the restaurant.  I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.'

Colin quickly stubbed out his half-smoked cigarette.  He stood up.  He put his hand into his jacket pocket and pulled out his wallet.  Extracting a card, he said, 'Take this.  I hope we can stay in touch when you go back.'

The card said, Colin MacArthur, Project Manager, CPB Oil Project.  CPB Japan.  One side was written in English.  The other side was written in Japanese.  Lizzie said, 'Oh. I ordered some business cards before I came, but they didn't arrive in time.  So I just have some crap private ones that I did at a machine.'  She went to the safe, where she had her main handbag.  Gosh, they were in here somewhere.  She fumbled around and found the cards.  They said Lizzie Chichele-Kortmann and her private address and phone number.  Well that was OK.  He had already given her his private number.

'Lizzie Chichele-Kortmann,' Colin read.

'Yeah,' said Lizzie.  'Of course my name’s Elizabeth really.’ How superfluous was that.

Colin looked around the room, quickly into the bathroom.  He said, 'I hope you'll be taking some of this lot with you when you go.  The bathroom has some nice stuff.'

Lizzie laughed.  'Oh, I don't do that,' she said.  'Take things from hotels.'

'No?' Colin asked in a surprised voice.  'Well, I do.  Take everything I can get my hands on.  Towels.  Hangers.  Dressing gowns.'

This time, they went to the Oasis Restaurant on the third floor.  Colin asked at the reception if they had a table and they did.  It was a large table overlooking the pier.

'I am starving,' Lizzie said.

'Right,' laughed Colin.  He seemed in a really good mood now.  Lizzie was in a good mood as well.  They both got a menu and laughed over every single item. The translations from the Japanese were certainly interesting.

'Caesar salad,' Colin read. 'A cripey blend of salad with stripes of chicken.  Well there's some amazing typos in there.'  He looked up at Lizzie and he at last seemed really relaxed, chortling like a schoolboy.

Lizzie laughed.  'Filet of beef,' she read.  'Cut in the restaurant.  Not out on the pier then.'

Colin was giggling.  'A Big Fat Hen! What in the hell is that!'

'I think I'll have that,' Lizzie said.  'It might be chicken.'

Colin was reading, 'Our chef has so many ideas we cannot fit them all onto this menu.  Well, I hope a few of them don't fly out and hit us here.  I hope he manages to contain some of them in the kitchen.'

'I wonder if they would let me take this menu back with me,' Lizzie said.

'California chicken,' Colin read.  'Raised in the hills of the West Coast.  Doesn't say anything about its flight to North-East Asia.  I hope it got here OK.'

They looked up and laughed at each other until the tears started running down Lizzie's face.  They were interrupted by a serious-looking waitress, in skirt, waistcoat, shirt and tie, who said to Lizzie, 'Good evening, Ma'am.  Is everything fine?'

'Thank you,' said Lizzie quickly.  She stopped laughing immediately, as if she had been discovered, like a naughty schoolgirl.

The waitress turned to Colin and asked him something long and complicated in Japanese.

Colin looked at Lizzie, then at the waitress.  He replied, haltingly, as if taken terribly by surprise.  The waitress continued in her discourse, relentlessly, no pause.

Colin whispered to Lizzie, 'Do you want a beer?'

'Oh, yes,' Lizzie whispered conspiratorially.  Colin turned back to the waitress and gave her a seemingly long order in Japanese.  But everything was long in Japanese, so that was nothing to worry about.

It was so much more sophisticated to order in Japanese than speak English, Lizzie thought, and in the end it was a Big Fat Hen for her and Filet of Beef for him.

The waitress said, 'Arigato gozaimashita,' and disappeared to the bar.

Colin looked at Lizzie, mouth open, smiling, and said, 'How did she know I speak Japanese?' he sniffed under his armpits and looked around.  'I mean, what?'

'Amazing,' said Lizzie.  'And she knew I didn't.'

'Fascinating,' said Colin.  They both exploded in giggles and Colin kept looking around with a confused look on his face.

‘Can’t wait to see this Big Fat Hen,’ he said, lighting up another cigarette.